Saying No to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder in Spokane, Washington

By We Level Up WA | Author Leigh Brosof, PhD | Editorial Policy | Research Policy

Navigating relationships with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be emotionally challenging, especially when it comes to setting boundaries and saying “no.” The fear of triggering intense emotional reactions or abandonment concerns often makes many people avoid necessary boundaries altogether. This approach, however, can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns and emotional exhaustion for both parties.

At We Level Up WA, we understand these complex dynamics. This guide offers practical, compassionate strategies for effectively communicating boundaries with someone who has BPD. Our goal is to help you maintain healthy relationships while supporting your loved one’s journey toward emotional regulation and stability.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by persistent patterns of emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, distorted self-image, and intense, unstable relationships. 

Approximately 1.4% to 5.9% of adults in the United States experience BPD, with symptoms typically beginning during early adulthood.

Key Symptoms of BPD

People with BPD often experience:

• Intense fear of abandonment – Both real and imagined situations can trigger profound anxiety
• Emotional volatility – Rapid mood swings that can shift from extreme happiness to deep despair within hours
• Impulsive behaviors – Including spending sprees, substance use, or risky sexual behavior
• Unstable self-image – Frequently changing goals, values, and self-perception
• Intense, unstable relationships – Cycling between idealization and devaluation of others
• Chronic feelings of emptiness – Persistent sense of hollowness or lack of purpose
• Difficulty controlling anger – Including inappropriate outbursts 

Impact on Relationships

For those with BPD, relationships often become the primary battleground where symptoms manifest most intensely. The core fear of abandonment can make even minor disagreements feel catastrophic. When someone with BPD hears “no,” they might interpret it as rejection of their entire being rather than a simple boundary.

This heightened sensitivity makes boundary-setting particularly challenging. What might seem like a reasonable request for space or time can trigger intense emotional distress, desperate attempts to prevent perceived abandonment, or anger that feels disproportionate to the situation.

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Challenges in Saying No to Someone with BPD

Fear of Abandonment

For someone with BPD, hearing “no” can trigger their core fear of abandonment. This isn’t simply disappointment. It can feel like an existential threat. Their reaction might include frantic efforts to change your mind, or they may accuse you of not caring about them, making you feel guilty for your decision. 

Statements like “I knew you’d leave me eventually” might surface, reflecting deep-seated fears of abandonment. In more extreme cases, they could resort to self-harming behaviors. They may also make desperate promises to change, pleading with you to reconsider. These responses stem from genuine emotional pain rather than manipulation, though they can certainly feel manipulative to those on the receiving end.

Emotional Reactions

When boundaries are set, the emotional response from someone with BPD might include anger, sadness, splitting (suddenly viewing you as entirely bad after previously idealizing you), dissociation (emotionally “checking out” or feeling disconnected from reality), and panic.

Guilt and Manipulation

One of the most challenging aspects of setting boundaries with someone who has BPD is managing your own emotional response, particularly guilt. You might encounter statements that make you question your compassion, such as “If you really loved me…” They may compare you to others who “would never treat them this way,” attempting to make you feel guilty. 

Past mistakes or vulnerabilities you’ve shared could be used against you, adding to the emotional weight of the situation. In more serious cases, they might threaten self-harm, which requires immediate professional intervention. Ultimately, their words and actions may be aimed at making you feel responsible for their emotional state, placing an unfair burden on you.

Remember that while these responses feel manipulative, they typically stem from genuine emotional distress rather than calculated attempts to control you. This understanding doesn’t mean you should abandon your boundaries, but it can help you respond with compassion while remaining firm.

Effective Ways to Say No

Here are some tips when saying no to someone with BPD:

1. Be clear and direct: Ambiguity can be particularly difficult for someone with BPD to navigate. Clear communication helps prevent misunderstandings.
2. Use “I” statements: Framing boundaries in terms of your needs rather than their behavior reduces defensiveness.
3. Offer alternatives (when appropriate): When possible, providing alternatives shows that your “no” isn’t a rejection of the person.
4. Stay calm and consistent: Emotional reactions may test your resolve, but consistency is crucial.
5. Avoid guilt trips: Recognize when you’re being made to feel guilty and maintain your position.

Supporting Someone with BPD While Maintaining Boundaries

Encourage Professional Help

One of the most supportive things you can do is encourage evidence-based treatment. At We Level Up WA, in Washington state, we offer specialized treatment programs designed specifically for individuals with personality disorders, including BPD.

Practice Self-Care

Supporting someone with BPD while maintaining boundaries requires emotional resilience. Remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary for sustaining a healthy relationship with someone who has BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder Statistics

The most effective way to treat BPD is through an interprofessional team composed of psychiatrists, psychologists, pharmacists, mental health nurses, and social workers. According to recent studies, 1.6% of people in the United States have BPD. It might seem like a modest percentage, but considering how big the United States is, you may realize that 1.6% represents a sizable portion of the population. One of the hardest mental health diseases to treat is borderline personality disorder. 

About We Level Up WA

Our Services

At We Level Up WA, we offer comprehensive treatment options for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder and support for their loved ones:

• Specialized therapy programs including DBT 
• Group therapy sessions that build communication skills
• Family therapy to improve relationship dynamics
• Education about BPD for both patients and loved ones

Our evidence-based approach addresses the core challenges of BPD while providing practical tools for managing symptoms and improving relationships.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder requires compassion, clarity, and consistency. By understanding the underlying fears driving their reactions, you can say “no” in ways that maintain your boundaries while minimizing unnecessary distress.

Remember that effective boundaries ultimately benefit both parties, protecting your well-being while providing a framework that supports their growth and emotional regulation. With professional support and the right communication strategies, you can build healthier relationships that honor both your needs and theirs.

If you or someone you love is struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder, we’re here to help. Our compassionate team understands the unique challenges of this condition and offers personalized treatment plans designed for lasting recovery.

Call our confidential helpline today at 509-348-4077 to speak with a treatment specialist, or visit our website to learn more about our programs. Taking this first step can open the door to healthier relationships and emotional well-being.

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